Is This Just Something That You Do?

I haven't stayed up for a deadline for a long time. I'm procrastinating with google image searches of Tony Curtis, listening to Funeral For A Friend, and remembering that I chose to be here doing this and that I shouldn't be so miserable. This is the life I aspired to once and I got it.

It is the last week of the show and although I have a couple more deadlines left I feel as if I finally have some room to breathe. 2008 was a motherfucker. I was in a panic all the time, always doubting myself, stressing myself out. I spent most the year completely paranoid out of my mind. I want to change that this year - maybe not think so much - not worry too much - ignore more.

Life is so great when you can just chill out. When I worked at the DVD store I'd do maybe three days a week and spend the rest of the time thinking and writing notes and watching movies and reading books and chilling out. That is when things came really easily. Of course I was also living with my parents then so financial stability used to just mean whether or not I could afford another pair of jeans that week. Now I get all stressed out over it and it makes me live a life that sounds great on paper but that sucks in practice.

The inferno army in my mind that used to fuel me has now deemed me too weak to lead. I'll end up engulfing myself, but then what is left after that? Just fire?

When I was young, juggling things felt so adult, so mature. Juggling work, freelance, friends, bills, projects, family, travelling, career, business, etc etc. It still kind of sucked but I got a sense of accomplishment out of everything working out the way I'd planned. Now everything just exhausts me. I'm bitter, I'm tired, I'm a fucking John Cusack cliche.

I always feel like I could be doing more but I can't be fucked. I've burn out that motivational part of my brain that actually once got a kick out of all this craziness. There is just too much to do, and it never goes away, and if I don't do it then I'm no longer who I am, I'll lose my powers, and then I'll just be anonymous.

Too many artists.

I just kind ofthought of all my concerns - big or small - everything - really really intensly all at once and it felt like something burst or popped in my brain.

I didn't ever really know what my life would be like after studying. I've spent my whole life studying up until now and I stil have never quite pictured what it would be like. I've been out for two years and a lot has happened. So many experiences have been crammed into that small space of time. I wonder if life will be moving at this pace forever? When do things start to slow down?

Everything is on my mind right now. Maybe this wasn't the best time to go on holiday. Everything's been shaken up so much in the past two years, now it seems that since things have settled for a bit all these issues are slowly rising to the surface.

I don't know if I think fast or as witty as other people. I'm finding little networks and universes and groups of people. Some who know each other and some who don't. It seems that social networks or groups or scenes seem to have similar outlooks on things. On the same 'level'. They 'get' certain things. Like how to be in art shows, succesffully fill out grant applications, invest in property, play the stock market etc.

I wonder when I'm finally gonna burn out. I think I started this art thing too soon.

I am already planning a long hiatus and a comeback in my 30s.

I feel myself getting significantly older. I feel it inside that everything has aged. I look different. I feel different. Layers and layers upon memories in my brain building up.

Things are getting better. Last weekend I was partying with some dopplegangers and on the way to a warehouse in St Peters a freak accident sent the business end of a rusty iron pole into my neck. The rest of the night was spent coughing, trying to sober up, and making sense of what happened.

Had there not been a plastic stopper at the end of the pole who knows where I'd be now. It was a shock to the system. I'm 23 and not anywhere closer to anywhere I really want to be. I stumble and hurdle into new projects serendipitously - without lucidity. I haven't been in control of things for a long time and have found my complacency to be the root of all my problems.

I've decided that weekends aren't enough time to do what I want, I spend most of them asleep anyway, so I am taking wednesdays off work every week to just slow down the pace of my weeks a little and give me some time to dedicate to making art again. This will be good - if it works.

Hostages

I get petrified of getting myself into slumps of repetion and routine. Some people love routine but I find it terrifying to do the same thing over and over. I have a piece of toast at arouind 7:10am every morning. I step foot on the platforms at Town Hall station at 6pm every night.

I was in a slump when I was at Ezydvd but at least the irregular work cycle meant I could juggle different things during the week and get an entire day off here and there to work on some projects. My current full time job is good. I earn more money - which in turn is paying for my rent - but it comes at the cost of my creative freedom.

It has never taken this long to get creative projects off the ground, ever. I am navigating through an asteroid belt of committments and things just clash. The here-and-now takes priority, my art is left without momentum, directionless, floating through space. Work committments are relentless and numerous.

I haven't blogged like this in a long time and it is strange to start again after such a long absence but I need a way to record what is going on. I feel out of touch with what I've been doing, I can't remember anything I've done, thoughts and memories just slip away or get shuffled along to make room for priorities.

My life is out of control. In my dissatisfied state I feel the need to take drastic actions to remedy this. I feel claustrophobic. The weekends don't give enough time to do work - they barely give enough time to sleep.

I know I need to restart my momentum, I've known this for the past two years. There must be something that I can do about it.

You've Already Made Your Mind Up About This Haven't You?

The past few months have had me feeling like a missing person. While walking to the bus stop I stumbled right into a time portal and right now I am at the end or still inside it dreaming - I don't know. It feels like I've been working on a million things and nothing at the same time. I have been busy, but not with things I'd like to be doing. I have had a few exciting things peppered in there at certain points but overall the 9 to 5 life consumes me.

The day after the MTV show, my dog died. A week after that my girlfriend and I chanced upon a place in Darlinghurst and moved out. Right now I am still settling into my job and my new place. Staying up late destroys me. I spend my days behind a desk or on a train. I am a civilian. I now have restrictions and boundaries like everyone else. Now I understand what it is like to never have the time to do what you want. The nights aren't mine anymore. I'm living on someone else's time. As I pick up pencils and put them down again, I can hear faint whispers of people telling me "I told you so."

This is where I have been.

Products and possessions aren't adequate rewards for participating in the grind, a new pair of jeans won't solve my problem, I still haven't worn most the clothes I bought in Tokyo last year. What I need is more time. But life is too expensive not to work. I don't know how this ends.