It is the last week of the show and although I have a couple more deadlines left I feel as if I finally have some room to breathe. 2008 was a motherfucker. I was in a panic all the time, always doubting myself, stressing myself out. I spent most the year completely paranoid out of my mind. I want to change that this year - maybe not think so much - not worry too much - ignore more.

Life is so great when you can just chill out. When I worked at the DVD store I'd do maybe three days a week and spend the rest of the time thinking and writing notes and watching movies and reading books and chilling out. That is when things came really easily. Of course I was also living with my parents then so financial stability used to just mean whether or not I could afford another pair of jeans that week. Now I get all stressed out over it and it makes me live a life that sounds great on paper but that sucks in practice.

The inferno army in my mind that used to fuel me has now deemed me too weak to lead. I'll end up engulfing myself, but then what is left after that? Just fire?

When I was young, juggling things felt so adult, so mature. Juggling work, freelance, friends, bills, projects, family, travelling, career, business, etc etc. It still kind of sucked but I got a sense of accomplishment out of everything working out the way I'd planned. Now everything just exhausts me. I'm bitter, I'm tired, I'm a fucking John Cusack cliche.

I always feel like I could be doing more but I can't be fucked. I've burn out that motivational part of my brain that actually once got a kick out of all this craziness. There is just too much to do, and it never goes away, and if I don't do it then I'm no longer who I am, I'll lose my powers, and then I'll just be anonymous.

Too many artists.